COLUMN
6
Q.
What do you think is the best way to comfort grieving people when they
are very upset?
Counselor, Alabama
A.
When I'm dealing with a bereaved individual, I don't interfere with
however they are expressing their grief at that moment, unless it looks
like they are about to place themselves in harm's way. And after that
particular episode has passed, I commiserate with them.
However, there is something that I never
do. I do not say anything that tries to minimize their grief, such as
"well, at least you had him for 25 years". Yes, they had him for 25
years but they undoubtedly would have liked to have had him for decades
more.
Or "he's in a better place". Well, one
hopes so, but usually people believe a better place is home at the
dinner table or in their arms.
If there is anything I have found in my
research and experience that does not comfort, but incenses most
grieving people, it's trying to put a "positive spin" on their death
loss.
They feel it trivializes their feelings
and that people are trying to take their grief away. Because of love,
they earned their grief and they're entitled to it.
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DEATH
FACTS
& FANCY
25%
of grieving people have sensed the presence of
dead loved
ones.
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Q.
If a person can't find a particular grave and is still crying six years
later, what can I do to help?
Cemetarian,
New Hampshire
A.
I'd first make every effort to locate the grave. Even if it was buried
under snow and you couldn't find it right then, I'd spend time
listening to the person talk about their loved one.
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Often, the cemetarian sees mourners longer than anyone else
in deathcare. If, through the words of the family, the dead loved one
can become a person in your eyes rather than just a name on a stone, it
can be a comfort to the family.
Q.
How long have you been involved in the death profession?
Attorney,
North Dakota
A.
I started as a part time volunteer in 1984 and it became my full-time
profession in 1987.
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DEATH
FACTS
& FANCY
The
mortality rate among widowers is 61% higher than other men.
Main
causes
are heart attacks, suicide,
alcoholism and
accidents. |
Q. Why are so many families so insistent on getting the morbid details
after their loved one has died an untimely death?
Police
Detective, New York
A.
To the families, those details are not remotely morbid, they're vital
to healthy grief resolution.
When someone we love is terminally ill, we usually
feel sad before they die - this is called anticipatory grief. And we
also get time to say goodbye. I call this full transition™
from a live beloved person to, frankly, a corpse.
A sudden, unexpected death affords the survivors
neither of those emotional benefits. Therefore, the most minute death
details take the place of full transition.
The more transition information the survivors
have, the less likely it is that you'll suffer complaints or lawsuits
from the family that actually have nothing to do with your
professionalism or the quality of your investigation.
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DEATH
FACTS
& FANCY
Draping
a flag on a casket began
during the
Napoleonic Wars (1806- 1815), when
the dead were carried from the battlefield
covered by a
flag.
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Q.
How do you approach someone to talk about death when you're not sure
they're quite ready to talk?
Linda,
New Mexico
A.
I approach them gently. Most terminally ill people are initially unable
or unwilling to deal with dying - it's called denial.
However, dying people are not in denial because they refuse
to accept reality - they're in denial because it's an involuntary
coping mechanism that's a gift of nature.
(The only time I would ever even consider
tampering with this gift is if the dying person were a single parent,
had small children and no provision had been made for their care after
the parent died.)
The extent of dying peoples' denial is directly
related to their physical condition and denial usually diminishes as
their physical condition deteriorates.
Periodically, I ask if they're afraid or what they
are thinking about as they lie there. You will hear by their answers
and comments if and when they are ready to talk about death.
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